This is the hardest column I write, and I rewrite it more than any other. When a mate’s gambling stops being fun, the people around them usually see it before they do — and usually say nothing, because what do you even say? Here’s what actually helps, from the conversations I’ve had and the counsellors I’ve asked.
What you’ll notice first
It’s rarely the money at first. It’s the mood after “quick sessions”. Borrowing that doesn’t add up. Being cagey about the phone. Skipping things they love because they’re flat — or flush and manic. One of these is a Tuesday; a pattern of them is a flag.
How to raise it without blowing up the friendship
Pick a calm moment, not mid-crisis, and lead with what you’ve seen, not what they’ve done: “You’ve seemed wrecked after playing lately — I’m not having a go, I’m asking.” Expect deflection the first time; the goal isn’t a confession, it’s leaving the door open. Shame slams doors, and gambling harm runs on shame.
What actually helps
- Gambling Help Online — 1800 858 858. Free, confidential, 24/7 — and counsellors take calls from worried friends and family too. You can ring them before you ever talk to your mate, and rehearse it.
- Practical tools beat promises. Deposit limits, bank gambling blocks, free blockers like BetBlocker — our guide to the tools that actually work walks through every one, including what BetStop does and doesn’t cover.
- Don’t lend money to cover losses. It feels like kindness; it removes the pressure that prompts change. Help with a meal, a lift, a call — not a top-up.
- Look after yourself too. Supporting someone is draining. The same helpline supports you.
If it’s urgent
If your mate talks about being trapped or hopeless, don’t sit on it: Lifeline is 13 11 14, any hour. Money problems have solutions — the National Debt Helpline (1800 007 007) has free financial counsellors who deal with gambling debt every day.
You won’t fix this in one conversation. You’re not supposed to. You’re just supposed to be the person who noticed.
— Natalie. This one’s for D., who noticed for me once, about something else entirely.